i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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