my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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