You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
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The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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