I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
