shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize
