I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
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