youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Randomize
