go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
