I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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