Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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