I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
