peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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