Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
