So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
