A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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