God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
