im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
