You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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