Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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