She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
