Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
