My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You're like the curious george of whores
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I touched a dick in church today
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
