Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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