I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
