I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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