I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
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the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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