Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
