Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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