I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
