That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
