Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
