Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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