This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
