Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
