I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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