Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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