Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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