somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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