I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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