Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
