I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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