I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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