lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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