I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
