Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
