take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
