I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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