there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
