I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The best revenge is premature balding
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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