Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
