i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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