i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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