I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
