Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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