Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
